(A (permanent) note on ‘Dolly’)

Every once in a while I notice someone has clicked through to my Myspace.  (I know it’s sort of inevitable now that I’ve mentioned it, but please don’t do this.  Please.  If you love me, you’ll do as I say.  And I know that all five of you love me).  Every time this happens I get really uncomfortable and think about removing the link, because (like most people) I last used Myspace when I was 20, and there is ALOT of juvenilia bobbing about there, especially for a super-prolific genius like me.  Ultimately, I leave it up because I think it explains some things.

I am so so aware that Dolly Schiller is a rather bizarre pen-name and that there are a million girls who have an odd relationship with Lolita (not least that whole crowd who like Japanese schoolgirl-rape pictures (pleaseGodnosearchterms) and stray bits of Nietzsche), but I selected it based on two things:

1. I really love that book.

2. It was sort of a very lame joke.

Around the time that my brother and I began to spend massive amounts of time making tinny bedroom music with broken instruments, I was already too old to be Dolores Haze (the more obvious pseudonym, one would think).  And I had glasses.  I hasten to add that I was not pregnant.  I was most unlike my current self in many respects (apart from the glasses), but I have immense fondness for Little Me, and I’m sure that Future Me is going to feel the same way about This Me, so I leave the link up because it sort of explains that exact mixture of pretentiousness and awkwardness and obscurity and did I mention creaky instruments/lack of talent?

And the whole idea of Dolly Schiller and Alaska made me think of various other things, Murasaki (the character, not the woman), and sacrificed virgins and so on, but not in a morbid way.  At least it didn’t seem morbid to me.  I became transfixed by the idea of young girls who only exist on the page, which is really handy I suppose, since they never turn up Lotte-in-Weimar-style to make life difficult.  (And I idenitified with real Murasaki – so identifying with the character seemed logical)  (I’m so parenthetical today (isn’t it sexy?)).  And then I began to identify with Bulkaen and things as well, Genet always being a massive influence, and I was interested in navigation, and stars.  So it’s all very silly really, but I will always be proud of Little Me and the peach-coloured Topshop dress that she wore to death four summers in a row, and the attempt to escape surburban boredom, and that is really the root of this blog too, and if I hid dorky things from you then what would I have to tell you at all?  I guess I just want to tell you this and I have to link to stuff that I find uncomfortable because it isn’t me any more, because without context you just find yourself looking at the blog of some girl who goes by Joelle Van Dyne and even though it’s probably a joke or something all you can think is YOU ARE SO NOT THE PRETTIEST GIRL OF ALL TIME.

(This is all taken from an ordinary garden-variety post I can’t be arsed to link.  Yh)